My name is Niharika and this is the story of my journey as a transgender woman. From  the time I was young, I felt like I was in the wrong body. Though I was born a boy, I dreamed of  being a girl. I yearned to wear dresses and saris. I had always admired the graceful gait of  women and the velvety quality of their voice. I never fit the model of classic masculinity, nor did  I want to. I always had stereotypically feminine interests, like kajal and lip gloss. I wished to be  beautiful like the girls around me.  

School was torturous for me. I was constantly bullied and harassed for being my  authentic self. My peers would tease and taunt me relentlessly for walking and talking “like a  girl”. I was sexually abused by my classmates and teachers. On multiple occasions, my teacher  would ask me to remove my pants to check my gender. I lived in a state of fear and humiliation. I  would cry every day upon returning home from a day filled with torment. I was completely alone  in my suffering. 

One of the only fond memories I have from my childhood was the Union Day play. I was  given a female role and was ecstatic. I loved being able to wear a female costume. I felt euphoric  being able to express myself as a girl. It was refreshing to finally receive positive attention from  others while presenting female. I began to understand my gender identity through this experience and decided I wanting to start living life as a woman. 

I was hopeful that I would escape my misery by starting to transition, but my hope was  misplaced. One day, my mother found kajal and lip gloss in my bag. She was shocked, horrified  and confused. Following the counsel of our neighbors and relatives, who convinced her I was  mentally ill, she rushed me to Manipal hospital. This was the start of my traumatic experience  with conversion therapy. The doctor’s intention wasn’t to heal me, but rather to coerce me into  conforming to societal standards by inflicting harm. I was forced into body language therapy and  electric shock therapy. Every day for months I underwent painful shocks if I failed to pass their  behavioral tests. They would bring in a box full of clothes containing both men’s and women’s  clothing items and I had to pick the male clothing items in order to pass. I made a few mistakes  in the beginning, which resulted in repeated shocks until I consistently chose male items. My  body and soul began to deteriorate as the days of “therapy” went on. I was unable to walk, sit, let  alone do any type of work.  

Due to the physical and emotional damage inflicted on me during conversion therapy, I  couldn’t continue my studies. Fearing society’s opinions about me, my mother sent me to live  with my sister. My only option was to take up a painting job to survive. Carrying extremely  heavy containers of paint fatigued my already weakened body. Still in need of money, I learned a  typing course and began working in an office job. After only a few days, I was being insulted  and abused at the office as well. I grew desperate for a way out of the constant agony and  adversity. Eventually, my friend and I planned an escape to Bangalore. Soon after arriving, I was  introduced to a transgender group. It was then that I realized for the first time in my life I was not  alone; there were others like me. I had finally found a community, small as it was, to be myself.  The tenseness in my body, that I had become so accustomed to carrying, had eased. This was  only a small refuge in my continued battle for survival.

COVID-19 hit me very badly. I could not find a job and the opportunities for sex work  came grinding to a halt. I used to beg in streets and scour for gatherings of people so I could get  some food and a place to sleep. On multiple occasions, I was cheated out of the wage I was due  for my services and was left with very little to survive on. This was a horrible time in my life in  which every day felt like an unyielding challenge. 

After months of struggling to make ends meet I was finally able to find work again. It  was there that I met a trans-man whom I fell in love with. He was a good man who loved me  deeply. I was elated to be with someone who adored me for who I truly was. We moved in  together, but eventually our relationship took a turn for the worse. I decided to get away from  him after feeling deceived and taken advantage of. This turned out to be one of the best decisions  of my life as it led me to my job at Solidarity Foundation. I’ve been able to find personal  fulfillment in helping others who have struggled like I have. By sharing my story, I hope to show  others they are not alone and that being a trans person isn’t an illness to fix or a threat to society.

This is a trans man’s story.

In 1997, in a village in Tirunelveli district, a child was born named Devi, who was labelled female upon birth. This story is about their challenges and struggles growing up, and the places their life’s journey took them. 

One day when Ram Devi was ten, they were browsing the newspaper and came across a peculiar article. It featured an image of a pregnant man – a seemingly impossible phenomenon. Upon reading the story’s details, the child realised that this person was born female at birth but later on in life, somehow became a man, who was able to conceive and give birth. For the first time, the child started thinking more about the confusing feelings that they were having. 

“Why am I wanting to wear pants and shirts when I am born a girl? Why do I feel the desire to wear shoes like boys and get a short haircut? Why am I experiencing such thoughts?” Ram Devi immediately asked their mother, “Can I also change myself like this person in the newspaper?” But their mother, thinking this was a playful question from a child, just replied that this was a fictious story being written for fun in the papers.

Ram Devi grew up wearing what they wanted and dressing how they liked- pant-shirt, shoes, short hair and all. However, upon attaining puberty (“age attending”), their family told them they had to grow out their hair, dress and behave more femininely. This caused a lot of pain and distress to the teen but they complied when at home, thinking this is just how life is supposed to be and they were the odd one out. In school and other places, they lived and tried to present themselves how they wanted to.  

They noticed that at school (an all-girls school), how out of the 1000-odd schoolchildren, everyone was wearing women’s footwear whereas theirs looked like men’s footwear. Devi began to think about how they were the only student who didn’t wear bangles and didn’t have the desire to keep flowers in their hair. “There are so many girls here, but why am I the only person feeling this way? Couldn’t there be another one like me? Why is everyone one way and I am another?” 

This realisation was a great shock to Devi. They didn’t know what exactly was happening or how to make sense of the idea that their very existence was an anomaly. Who could they talk to about this? Parents? No, what would they think? They would think that Devi had some mental problem. Due to all these fears, they did not tell anyone about this – even friends. At that age, meeting a doctor was also not possible as they could not go anywhere without informing their parents. Devi also did not have any opportunities or resources to get to know about this and thus continued adjusting to the demands of their assigned gender (of a girl) as much as possible.

When Devi was fourteen, they had a crush on someone for the first time – a girl at school. This was another shock to Devi – “Why can’t I get these feelings when I look at a boy? Why am I falling in love with another girl?” Even then, they didn’t think about making any significant life changes. Devi told their family about the crush at one point but was simply brushed off. The same happened when they confessed to the girl too, who made fun of their honest admission.

Over the years, Devi developed more crushes on girls – in college, and later at work on a girl named Priya. Devi was anxious this time due to their past experience with the girl who mocked their feelings. With a lot of hesitation, they opened up about their inner feelings – that they thought of themselves as a man, didn’t have romantic or sexual feelings for men and didn’t like feminine things such as wearing flowers or bangles. To Devi’s surprise, Priya responded positively, reciprocating their feelings and reassuring them that these thoughts were not wrong. The two began searching together for hospitals and visited one in Tirunelveli. There, however, they were told by the doctors that they have never heard of a ‘female to male’ case. Devi was informed that they needed to undergo counselling, but the hospital didn’t know much about it – they only knew of trans women’s cases.

The couple was undeterred by this and continued in their search. Finally, they visited a hospital with an informed doctor who validated their emotions and explained to Devi that they would have to take hormones and undergo gender-affirming surgery (more commonly known as ‘sex reassignment surgery’). Devi’s overwhelming gender dysphoria made them begin treatment immediately. 

Ram Devi then began presenting and living as a man. This deeply upset his and Priya’s families, who registered a complaint about him to the police – who were utterly ignorant about trans men. He was finally affirming his identity, but this decision also meant receiving contempt from both close ones and society. Priya provided support, but could not do much as they were separated at the police station and send to their separate natal homes. Despite all this, Devi did not give up and fought to go and meet the doctor again.

At the clinic waiting for his appointment, he noticed a father-son pair bonding and happily laughing together. When doctor called him in and told him that he had called the father and son to meet him, Devi was confused. The doctor then said that the son, James was also a trans man who transitioned a while back with the support of his family. Dev was taken aback – he had never met another trans man before, and he had never seen in real life what someone who had transitioned looked like. The two started talking. James listened to all his struggles and told him how he was not alone – there were thousands of trans men out there, just like him. James told him about how he could go by his preferred name and use he and him pronouns – it was his right. Dev then started introducing himself to everyone with the name Ram Dev. 

Meeting another trans man and hearing his words helped Dev understand himself better and feel for the first time that he was not an anomaly. James also connected Dev to various NGOs who worked for the trans community, opening up a whole new world. Through these NGOs and other community members, Ram Dev found his support system. They taught him about the trans community and guided him in various issues – securing livelihood opportunities, helping navigate the police and the government systems, and supporting him in doctor’s visits. The idea that he could live his life as himself, and be happy doing so finally seemed real. Slowly, Dev built his life together with Priya. The couple went to meet her parents to talk about their marriage. On their suggestion, Priya’s family underwent counselling to understand their life better and finally accepted them. 

In every person’s life, there comes a time where meeting the right person at the right time can change everything. In Dev’s case, it was James and the community. For most of his life, he thought he was unnatural, his feelings were wrong, and he would have to go through life with an ever-growing inner conflict. Meeting James and the community saved his life, and taught him that he can actually have an authentic life – which is the case for many trans and queer people throughout the world. It is the collective resilience, love and support of generations of the community fighting for every trans and queer person to live happy, fulfilling lives in a world where the odds are the opposite.

Please Note: Names have been changed to maintain anonymity.